Routine Maintenance 

My boyfriend asked me on New Year’s Day what my resolution was. And I told him that was going to try to be less of an asshole. I was only half kidding. 

My anxiety sucks my patience away like a vortex some days. My own mind is chaotic and the harder I try to control the chaos in my head the harder it is to tolerate the chaos in my life. So I try to control it. To orchestrate the morning perfectly so that no timetable is overturned. No deadline missed. And the result is always more chaos because control is an illusion. It’s like throwing rocks down a well. Pointless. Energy depleting. 

So my real resolution this year is to deal with my anxiety more effectively. To take better care of myself. To not allow my fear of dealing with mundane details keep me from performing necessary maintenance on myself. 

If I can do those things the 300 pound gorilla that crushes me beneath its weight will visit less often.

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